Belle's Last Day

On June 24, 2017 we let our beloved Belle go. It was not a decision that was made lightly, but we felt the time was right. Conversations started about two years ago, before we moved to Oregon. Belle was starting to really show signs of aging; her hips were starting to give, she was slowing down, and running was definitely not in her realm of capabilities anymore. Epic winter was particularly rough on Belle; we knew it would be her last. As the months moved forward, it was getting harder for her to stand up on her own. Many mornings I had to help her to stand up then carry her off the porch because going down the steps was too difficult. The only time she ever seemed truly happy was on our adventures. This is a new chapter in our lives, Evan and I have never known life together without Belle. I miss the clicking of her claws on the floor, I miss her following me around and poking her head into the bathroom, or laying at my feet every time I sat down. I miss her big brown eyes and her glowing smile.

Her last day was perfect. We played in the wildflowers, picnicked in the mountains, and adventured in the trees. Belle's face reflected pure joy. She has left a hole in our hearts and we will always embrace the moments in our lives that she made brighter.

July's Reflections

July was a month of reflecting and focusing on what is truly important in life; I feel like August will be similar. 

Truth is, we all hurt. When we all look deep within ourselves, there is something that causes us pain. The world we live in is cruel and terrible things happen. But, the world is also beautiful and really good things happen; what matters is our perspective. God made us who we are for a reason. We are all blessed with a path in life that brings us both joy and sorrow. He gave us strengths to get us through our hardships and weaknesses that we must overcome. There are days my anxiety controls me, I feel overwhelmed; like I am collapsing in on myself. I made the decision a long time ago that I was not going to medicate my anxiety; I felt like it was something that needed to be dealt with head-on and not simply covered up with chemicals. Not that I am against such medications, I know plenty of people who have greatly benefited from them, I just feel like it is not the best solution for my situation. Getting outside calms my soul; it brings me closer to God. I am learning to express myself through my photography and writing, and to embrace these as a way to say the things I have a hard time saying aloud. 

Most of all, my reflections have taught me that no matter how hard I try, my children will struggle in life. There is nothing I can do to prevent them from feeling pain. But, what I can do as a parent is; teach them how to deal with their problems effectively and how to be loving, self-respecting adults. I can teach them to embrace every moment and live as if tomorrow might not happen; realistically, the future is something we have no control over. We could all wake up to a life completely different from what we know right now. My children will know the importance of expressing feelings and how toxic holding in hate and anger can be. They will know to be honest and forgiving.  Most of all, they will know how important it is to live their lives in whatever way brings them the most fulfillment and joy. 

Birthday Hike, Cow Mafia, and a Thistle

Taking pictures is something I have loved doing since I was a kid, and as an adult, I am learning how to use it to express myself. We spend most of our time outside, and having my camera has helped me to stop and really pay attention to the little things that I wouldn't have noticed otherwise. 

Last weekend we took Evan's parents and sister up to Horse Flats; a relaxing hike up Alpine Loop, for his dad's birthday. 

Kayson led the way, of course. 

Can't resist a flower. 

He and Belle have become good hikin' buddies. 

It's hard to lose a ginger-boy in the green grass.

Beautiful view. 

Papa enjoyed the view, and Mayci played with Meme. 

She is beautiful, and when she can walk she will be able to explore more than just grass!

This was a massive dead butterfly in the creek up Mapleton Canyon.

Friday night we hiked up Diamond Fork. This was a cow that wanted us dead. When we arrived back at the parking lot, the entire herd had circled the car. 

There was some round thing, so of course we had to roll it down the hill and see how far it would go. 

Good dog. 

A very large thistle at Utah Lake. 

Confrontation to Letting Go

This weekend I let go of something that I have held onto for twenty years. Sexual abuse is about control, and by pushing the issue down deep into the depths of my mind, I allowed that man to maintain his control over me. Visions and flashbacks plagued my life and eventually this lead to serious anxiety and a distorted view of who I was as a person. Five years ago, I made a very poor decision that affected myself, my husband, and anyone close to me. This is the moment I hit rock bottom. May 24, 2008 was the day I found God and my husband and I rebuilt our relationship. We spent many nights working through issues and purging demons from our lives. We let go of people that were toxic and held onto the ones we could trust; the people who actually cared. Together, with help from God, we were able to take responsibility for ourselves and let go of the situation. I thought my decisions were a part of my lack of self-respect; but the real issue went a lot deeper.

For the past week, I felt like something was wrong. I was collapsing in on myself. Saturday night was my breaking point and I sat down with my computer and began typing. I went back and relived every memory I could about what happened when I was a child. Everything I remembered; smells, thoughts, feelings, emotions, recreated the terror I experienced. Three hours went by and I was done. It was all in front of me. I wasn't sure if I was going to show Evan yet, I knew I would show him someday, just not right away. He knew what had happened, but only vague details. Sunday came and the feeling still hung over me. I had an anxiety attack that night and couldn't put into words how I was feeling. After the kids were in bed I told Ev that I had spent the previous night writing and that he needed to read it. I couldn't explain much beyond that and he was confused. I sat and watched him read through, studying his facial expressions, not sure how he was going to react. He looked up at me after he was finished and I told him I was letting it go; that it was no longer going to be a part of my life. We talked for a couple hours and he began to understand the things that I could not explain until now.

Confronting the experience was painful and therapeutic. It allowed me to feel the hurt that I have kept inside for so long. I no longer blame myself for what happened. The only person responsible is the predator and the fate of his soul is in the hands of God; there is no rightful punishment on Earth for men like that. This is no longer a secret that I am keeping inside. He is not allowed to control my life. I feel like a new person; this burden is off my shoulders. My hopes are that somebody reads this and knows how important it is to face your demons. We are all broken in some way or another, and being honest with yourself is the only way to let these things go and gain control of your life.

A Day of Motherly Love

What's not to love about a day dedicated to mothers? A special day to say 'thank you' to the women who gave us life, cleaned up our innumerable messes, went days/weeks/months/years with little sleep, and continue to stand by us, without question, as we navigate life's unpredictable journey. Mother's tend to be a little crazy, and rightfully so. I believe that with each child, we lose a little bit of our minds; but, we gain an even greater piece of our hearts.

I had a very special Mother's Day. We took a relaxing walk as a family and watched the carp swim around in the water.

Belle ventured out to try and catch one; but, came back as soon as the water got too deep.

After peeing his pants and falling in the mud, Kayson decided to take a break to contemplate his next disaster. 

So he decided to try and wash off in the lake. 

My beautiful baby girl. 

After the lake, we attended family bbq at Ev's parents' house. 

A few of my favorite moms! 

Make-up with Meme is always enjoyable.

A tower of children. 

But, the tower was not match for the power of Pixie, and quickly toppled to the ground. 

Life, In General

Life has not been incredibly eventful lately. Now that Mayci is mobile, Kayson does everything in his power to protect his stuff from her. However, he has given up trying to keep her away from his beloved tool bench; I guess he decided it is better to play with her than against her on that one. It has been such a joy to watch these two very babies grow and I am excited for what's ahead. 

A Little Camera Crazy

Two years ago, I decided I was going to save money for a new camera. So whenever I had extra cash, I would stash it away. Despite a few setbacks, I finally reached my goal. I can't tell you how excited and accomplished I feel. So, what do you do when you get a new, awesome camera? You take pictures, of course! I have been taking TONS of pictures the last few days...269 to be exact. I have even ventured into manual mode. Taking pictures of my kids is my favorite. Every day I wonder how I got so lucky.