Monday, June 24, 2013

Confrontation to Letting Go

This weekend I let go of something that I have held onto for twenty years. Sexual abuse is about control, and by pushing the issue down deep into the depths of my mind, I allowed that man to maintain his control over me. Visions and flashbacks plagued my life and eventually this lead to serious anxiety and a distorted view of who I was as a person. Five years ago, I made a very poor decision that affected myself, my husband, and anyone close to me. This is the moment I hit rock bottom. May 24, 2008 was the day I found God and my husband and I rebuilt our relationship. We spent many nights working through issues and purging demons from our lives. We let go of people that were toxic and held onto the ones we could trust; the people who actually cared. Together, with help from God, we were able to take responsibility for ourselves and let go of the situation. I thought my decisions were a part of my lack of self-respect; but the real issue went a lot deeper.

For the past week, I felt like something was wrong. I was collapsing in on myself. Saturday night was my breaking point and I sat down with my computer and began typing. I went back and relived every memory I could about what happened when I was a child. Everything I remembered; smells, thoughts, feelings, emotions, recreated the terror I experienced. Three hours went by and I was done. It was all in front of me. I wasn't sure if I was going to show Evan yet, I knew I would show him someday, just not right away. He knew what had happened, but only vague details. Sunday came and the feeling still hung over me. I had an anxiety attack that night and couldn't put into words how I was feeling. After the kids were in bed I told Ev that I had spent the previous night writing and that he needed to read it. I couldn't explain much beyond that and he was confused. I sat and watched him read through, studying his facial expressions, not sure how he was going to react. He looked up at me after he was finished and I told him I was letting it go; that it was no longer going to be a part of my life. We talked for a couple hours and he began to understand the things that I could not explain until now.

Confronting the experience was painful and therapeutic. It allowed me to feel the hurt that I have kept inside for so long. I no longer blame myself for what happened. The only person responsible is the predator and the fate of his soul is in the hands of God; there is no rightful punishment on Earth for men like that. This is no longer a secret that I am keeping inside. He is not allowed to control my life. I feel like a new person; this burden is off my shoulders. My hopes are that somebody reads this and knows how important it is to face your demons. We are all broken in some way or another, and being honest with yourself is the only way to let these things go and gain control of your life.


1 comment:

  1. You are such an amazing woman Joey. I love the way you handle yourself through this crazy thing called life. I admire your strength and your spirit. I just wanted to say I love you and I am so very happy for you that you feel free. That you feel at peace with this. You deserve it.

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