Birthday Hike, Cow Mafia, and a Thistle

Taking pictures is something I have loved doing since I was a kid, and as an adult, I am learning how to use it to express myself. We spend most of our time outside, and having my camera has helped me to stop and really pay attention to the little things that I wouldn't have noticed otherwise. 

Last weekend we took Evan's parents and sister up to Horse Flats; a relaxing hike up Alpine Loop, for his dad's birthday. 

Kayson led the way, of course. 

Can't resist a flower. 

He and Belle have become good hikin' buddies. 

It's hard to lose a ginger-boy in the green grass.

Beautiful view. 

Papa enjoyed the view, and Mayci played with Meme. 

She is beautiful, and when she can walk she will be able to explore more than just grass!

This was a massive dead butterfly in the creek up Mapleton Canyon.

Friday night we hiked up Diamond Fork. This was a cow that wanted us dead. When we arrived back at the parking lot, the entire herd had circled the car. 

There was some round thing, so of course we had to roll it down the hill and see how far it would go. 

Good dog. 

A very large thistle at Utah Lake. 

Confrontation to Letting Go

This weekend I let go of something that I have held onto for twenty years. Sexual abuse is about control, and by pushing the issue down deep into the depths of my mind, I allowed that man to maintain his control over me. Visions and flashbacks plagued my life and eventually this lead to serious anxiety and a distorted view of who I was as a person. Five years ago, I made a very poor decision that affected myself, my husband, and anyone close to me. This is the moment I hit rock bottom. May 24, 2008 was the day I found God and my husband and I rebuilt our relationship. We spent many nights working through issues and purging demons from our lives. We let go of people that were toxic and held onto the ones we could trust; the people who actually cared. Together, with help from God, we were able to take responsibility for ourselves and let go of the situation. I thought my decisions were a part of my lack of self-respect; but the real issue went a lot deeper.

For the past week, I felt like something was wrong. I was collapsing in on myself. Saturday night was my breaking point and I sat down with my computer and began typing. I went back and relived every memory I could about what happened when I was a child. Everything I remembered; smells, thoughts, feelings, emotions, recreated the terror I experienced. Three hours went by and I was done. It was all in front of me. I wasn't sure if I was going to show Evan yet, I knew I would show him someday, just not right away. He knew what had happened, but only vague details. Sunday came and the feeling still hung over me. I had an anxiety attack that night and couldn't put into words how I was feeling. After the kids were in bed I told Ev that I had spent the previous night writing and that he needed to read it. I couldn't explain much beyond that and he was confused. I sat and watched him read through, studying his facial expressions, not sure how he was going to react. He looked up at me after he was finished and I told him I was letting it go; that it was no longer going to be a part of my life. We talked for a couple hours and he began to understand the things that I could not explain until now.

Confronting the experience was painful and therapeutic. It allowed me to feel the hurt that I have kept inside for so long. I no longer blame myself for what happened. The only person responsible is the predator and the fate of his soul is in the hands of God; there is no rightful punishment on Earth for men like that. This is no longer a secret that I am keeping inside. He is not allowed to control my life. I feel like a new person; this burden is off my shoulders. My hopes are that somebody reads this and knows how important it is to face your demons. We are all broken in some way or another, and being honest with yourself is the only way to let these things go and gain control of your life.